I can honestly say that I have never felt this way before, I had a dream the other night that my boyfriend and I broke up; It was absolutely horrible.

But it made me realise that I have never felt this way about someone before – I can’t imagine another persons lips touching mine, ever again. And god knows if someone else’s will but right now I can’t imagine it, at all.

I miss everything about him when we’re not together, his cold nose brushing over my warm skin (it’s always cold; but I love it), his crooked smile, the way he is always touching me (It’s a comfort thing).

His snores; and my god does he snore!! But I can’t sleep without it.

He’s the first person I’ve been with that all of my family have liked and not just put up with because they were my partner. My nan even lets him stay over…In my bed! Which has never happened before; she usually hates everyone, my little charmer he is.

Rant

“You want to ‘blahblahblah’ ” 

I absolutely hate with a passion when people use that line. It irks me so, so, so, so much.

If there is ever-ever one thing you do not want to say to me it is that.

“You want to go to the doctors the way you sound” KNOW that they will tell me to do exactly what I am already doing.

“You want to do this”

“You want to do that”

So what you’re a fucking mind reader now? No I didn’t think so. ‘Cause I sure as hell did not and do not WANT to do any of what you have told me I want to do.

“You want t-” I’ll tell you what I want shall I? I want to punch you in the face right now! That is what I want.

_______________________________________________________________________

On a happier note, I’m all done for Christmas, no rushing around for me two days before hand.

I made my cards, sent them all out. I do have a bit of wrapping that I need to finish but that won’t take long at all.

I’ve been ill and putting it off over the past week and a half. (Give me strength!)

Merry Christmas everyone! ♥

This year has gone by so fast, I wish that I could just slow time down and relax in the moment. But alas I cannot.

I hope that everyone gets what they want for Christmas and is spoiled rotten! And that they get what they deserve for 2015. ♥

It’s been a while

A hell of a long while.

I kind of lost myself for a bit there…and I didn’t know how to get myself back (I’m working on it).
I stopped doing things that I enjoyed. I stopped seeing my friends. I felt like my relationship was in a downward spiral (God knows I still do).
As soon as we start becoming a normal young couple, something happens that pushes us right back to where we were last year. Doing nothing, sitting in the house not being in my town only being at his house (May I add, as I’m not sure if I’ve said in previous posts or not, he’s moved, even further away, it’s like over an hour just to drive there (Which may I add, I can’t yet, although I am doing my lessons)). So I am currently relying on his mum’s boyfriend to pick me up and drop me home (Oh yeah, she moved up there too, lives about 15 minutes away from them)…not the best because it’s even more awkward than spending money to go to his mum’s old house to see them for a couple of hours if I knew they were going to be there.
It’s just so hard, I had a break down the other week when we were on the phone, I was walking my dog at the time but I told him about everything I’ve been feeling. And ended up sat crying in the park like an idiot (I never cry!)

I always imagined by now, if I had a steady relationship with a guy/girl that we would have our own flat. I’m 25 in October and he is 25 January and it just seems like I’m the only one who actually wants my own place (No actually, I know I’m the only one, he’s fine living with his family and doesn’t want an actual place of his own). But I don’t see the point of even trying to get my own place because I’d never see him unless I went to his.

We actually spent time at my mum’s boyfriends the other week with them, for the first time ever, which was nice. But it is as isolated as his house so we never went out other than to the shop and then back home…On the plus side she has a new puppy, he’s gorgeous. Horrid name though, so I call him Bear (Much to her boyfriends hatred, I guess he knows how I feel about Bear’s actual name then. Huh?).

Onyx and Bear met the other day, it was so cute. Onyx has never been around other animals as when we first had her she had a tendancy to try and bite them (Still does). They barked at each other so much,the more he barked the louder and more frequent hers got. She was a very grumpy baby as she was being told off for trying to hurt him but we tried it and by the end (She had her muzzle and lead on, just incase) he was jumping on her head and she was just looking at me as if to say, really? But it went a lot better than I thought it would have. 
I mean, I was upstairs when they first came in and she didn’t rip him to shreads and she didn’t have her muzzle on then either. She just got a bit uppity with him. Then again, I think I would if I’d never been around other humans and then all of a sudden one was in my house touching my things, touching me. So I think she did really well.

We used to take her to dog training classes and we’ve tried god knows how many things but I think the best thing would be if they had a while together to get used to each other. Because I’d love to be abel to take them both to the beach.

The only thing I was really worried about with Bear is he’s so small. He’s only 4 months old. She’s 12/13.

Oh! My mum also whispered in my ear asking me if Bear trying to playfight with Onyx was foreplay…because he bit her ear.

We are puppy sitting again next weekend I think, I’m looking forward to it just wish we could do it in my mums house not her boyfriends as it would be so much easier.

I still haven’t done my purple dreads, every time I’ve gone to do them I’ve just not been able to concentrate. Not had the heart? I don’t know…Like I said in the top of the post, I kind of lost myself. I love reading, I haven’t read a book since I was at Jay’s and couldn’t get two seconds of peace to read downstairs with his sisters shouting, singing and god knows what and then when I went upstairs to read in the quiet it started an argument.

There is just so many things I want to do and not enough time to do them, especially with me working at the moment, I forgot to mention I have a temporary job at the moment. I’ve been here a while now and it’s nice. Only problem being I’m getting paid £50 a week to do everyones grunt work.

Hmm I think that’s everything pretty much up to date….Oh no, we thought my dog had cancer the other week and I ended up paying £120ish for tests to see if she did. She didn’t but it was heart wrenching before I found out that she didn’t. I was on pins every time my phone went off when I was waiting on the results.

Hi everyone!

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend, I figured I’d post since I saw an email from here and it reminded me I hadn’t for a little bit.

I’ve started doing crochet dreads, like I said I would in my last post, and they are going quite well (even if I do say so myself :P).

I don’t think I’ll sell the first lot, they are blue – hang-on I’ll show you a picture.

That was the first one I did, I think it came out quite well, I like the texture but that’s how they are meant to be, I think? Anyway I like the non-consistency of it. It makes them more real? (As real as synthetic ones can get? lol)

I’ve ordered blonde hair so that I can make some more  to wear daily when I’m done with making the blue ones.

I guess that I could do a give-away with the blue, since they were practice ones. If anyone has any suggestions/tips or if they think they are good enough for a give-away please do comment! ❤  (I’ll have to get pictures of them all when they are finished).

Oh and in other news, my boyfriend and his Dad found out they can move into the new house! So we’re moving everything on the 29th of March. I’m looking forward to it…(I hope my words were dripping with sarcasm in your head too). Well, I guess it’s a good thing. Just not looking forward to them moving so far away.

Oh, oh! And my provisional license turned up! I can now officially start my driving lessons! I’m uber excited but also very nervous. I’d never really been taught to drive other than messing around in car parks with my mum in her car. So wish me luck.

My life as of 2013.

Okay…So I’m not that good at keeping blogs etc, but I am going to try. In my defense I did have a lot going on last year. I don’t want to drivel on about it all but if anyone is interested read this next bit, if your not, skip it.

My boyfriend and I met after being manipulated by his cousin back in November/December 2012, during the process of him manipulating me we were in a motorcycle accident in which we both could have died (This was before I found out what he was really like, or more so what he was turning in to). We’ll call him Michael…Michael hadn’t long broken up from his 3 year relationship when we started talking again, as a child I was with him all the time and he was like a brother to me, so when he came back into my life I was over the moon until he started to show his true colors.

I know break-ups can be bad and I know that his ex wasn’t making it easy on him with not letting him see his daughter so on and so forth. But that was no excuse for the way he treated people. He started stealing from his “friends” , using people to buy him alcohol (pretending he had feelings for them and asking if he could “lend” money to buy drinks for the house party he was throwing as he hadn’t been paid on the day he was meant to be by work and that he would pay them back when he was paid, only to drop them like a sack of shit and move onto the next girl), sleeping around with literally anyone he could entice into bed, his cat went unfed and his house neglected. Myself and my boyfriend used to be the people who tidied it up for him before anyone came over, like idiots.

Until we had enough. We told a friend of ours that also knew ‘Michael’ and she offered for us to start staying with her so we did, it was a big relief when we could stop staying at ‘Michael’s’ as 99.9% of the time when we were there it didn’t seem like we were wanted anyway, until there was something to be done around the house or he needed money for fags or alcohol or petrol for the car so he could run this girl around he thought he was ‘in love’ with. Who was just using him and was a lesbian the whole time. 

Sadly, the relief was short lived as he moved on to the friend we were staying with started telling her he loved her pulling all the same things he did with the others and she fell for it. Even though the whole time no one knew where he was when he was with her, out or at her house, no one knew he was staying there every night and no one had any idea that they were “seeing each other”. He would lie to them when they phoned tell them he was with someone else or he was busy doing something no where near where he actually was. Running off every morning to take this girl to work, staying out all day then coming back in the night after running around after her all day.

He tried taking over and telling us what we could or couldn’t do in my friends house. It’s not like they were even together because he didn’t want to have to tell people he was actually with her, plus he was taking the mick out of her, not that she saw it. He was leaving his laptop on all day and night, using all of her electric, eating all of her food and then moaning at us to give her money towards it, which we had already offered when it was just myself, my boyfriend and her (And her child, forgot to mention him).

He kept her from paying attention to her child or stressed her out that much that she just wouldn’t be in the right state of mind to be around her child. Kept causing arguments and dragging her away for hours to sit in the car and “talk things over”  knowing that her child didn’t like being away from her even with people he knows well. And wouldn’t let her come back in until he was ready even with knowing her son was in the house crying and screaming for his mum, nice guy, huh?

So, eventually we got fed up of him being there and we got fed up as when ‘Michael’ went away to a Dianna vickers concert with the girl he was doing all of the running around with/for our friend decided she was going to play him at his own game, decided she didn’t believe he hadn’t cheated on her whilst “seeing her” and that he wasn’t not going to cheat on her whilst going to the concert with another girl, so she left her child with us for the night to go and have a “passionate” night with her ex. Two wrongs don’t make a right….right?

Well after that first time it became a regular thing, ‘Michael’ would go to work or go to do whatever he was doing during the day and she would leave her son with my boyfriend and I and go to her ex’s for some “fun” (I’m trying to keep it PG guys! So forgive the “fun” and “passion”). After a while of this going on my boyfriend and I started to think that we were being kept around as baby-sitters and like we weren’t wanted there either so we stopped going.

Not like we had a choice, I met his family the end of February/beginning of March (2013) and not long after his uncle became ill, we were to later find out it was terminal cancer. We were left every day to look after him, we did nothing, we didn’t even go to the shop as he needed 24/7 care.  But no one seemed to understand why we had to look after him, two 23 year olds caring for someone with terminal cancer and not being able to go out or do anything. We had to cancel a lot of plans with friends who even with kids didn’t understand why we couldn’t just drop everything and go out for a drink or go out clubbing or spend the night at theirs.

It was hard, physically and emotionally. And it made it worse when we found out that we couldn’t depend on anyone we thought were out friends. They didn’t care what we were going through or why we were doing it all they cared about is that we couldn’t be there drunk on a Saturday night, very understand and compassionate, right? It was hard enough on us that we had to give up every day and not be able to do anything and to have people causing arguments and problems over it didn’t help at all. But we did and we did it because if we didn’t things would have been a lot harder than they were.

We went out once or twice last year and tried our hardest to try and see friends but no matter what we did or how much we tried it just wasn’t good enough for anyone.

I found a job September and it became even harder for my boyfriend as I wasn’t around to help him or keep him company through the days. Although he was happy for me to finally have a job ’cause I worked so hard for it, he missed my company. His uncle was really bad by that point and couldn’t even sit up on his own he had lost the use of his legs and had started hallucinating due to medicine that the hospital had put him on, so it was very stressful for my boyfriend when his own uncle couldn’t remember who he was sometimes.

On the 11th November I was in work and I was very anxious, it was raining and cold, a horrible morning and I was worried as his uncle had gone into hospital and they had said he had deteriorated.  I couldn’t get out of work on a whim but as hard as I tried I could get nothing right as my mind just wasn’t there, I wanted to be with everyone at the hospice. His uncle passed away that morning.

I was fired a week later.

Due to no fault of my own, it just wasn’t the right work environment for me. No one knew what they were doing, they never had a system, they didn’t know who was working on what or what had been done or what hadn’t. It wasn’t the best place to put someone new who was meant to learn the ropes when no one else knew how everything worked either. How are you meant to learn when everyone your working with is winging it? The boss was meant to be teaching me how to use the programs but he spent all of five minutes doing a quick explanation of it and left the office and got moody every time I asked him how to do something.

Getting fired from that job was actually the best thing that could have happened, I was going home crying or crying to my boyfriend on my breaks/lunch.

Christmas was hard, new year was hard, my boyfriends birthday (5th January) was hard…We made the best of it all and wished his uncle well on each one.

Things are starting to get easier now, the house is sold and we’re moving. Problem being, I live with my Nan and it’s over an hour away with travel now and my boyfriend and his dad are moving even further away. I’ve started doing my driving lessons as I’m hoping it will help with getting me a job and it will make it easier to travel back and forth between home and theirs.

I also started making synthetic dreadlocks last year, near the end, I wanted some for Halloween and they were okay for my first ones. But I’ve been practicing and I’d love to get better and start a business of it. I’m actually going to try crochet dreads this week (Wish me luck, I’ll need it).

I’m hoping that we’ll be able to build some bridges with some of our friends, sadly some friendships are just to broken to fix after some of the things said by people who were just too selfish to understand why we couldn’t be at their house parties and out drinking every weekend. I’ve changed a lot over the past year, I used to go out every weekend to see friends  and have a laugh and dance….But then again are people really friends when your only together when your getting hammered? Or are they just people you put up with so your not alone when your out drinking?

I guess I’m stuck, I miss people, after not having a lot of time to do things now that we have time we want to do things and see people, but when his uncle was here everyone wanted us around and now he’s not here…no one seems to bother. It’s like everyone just fell off the edge of the earth as soon as they knew. And I feel so alone when I’m at home like I have no one.

Anyway, that’s enough of my rambles for tonight anyway. I’m hoping to be updating this more than I did other things. And with things that are on a lot happier note than this first post.